Maddie Kowalski shared her frustrations with doing online school after an explicit video leaked on social media last year.
In the TikTok video, Kowalski frames the moment as a reset she never asked for: a “first day of online college” happening at home, without the in-person routine she says she needs to learn effectively. Her comments arrive with renewed attention on the scandal that first pushed her name across social media last year, after an explicit video circulated and sparked widespread commentary.
A First Day of College, But Not the One She Imagined
Kowalski opens her TikTok by connecting her decision to take classes remotely to what she says happened to her online, setting a blunt tone before she even begins getting ready.
“Um, I had nonconsensual, intimate images posted of me online and go viral. So get ready with me for my first day of online college. I’m really not in a good mood. Um, this is my first semester, I’ve had no in-person classes, and I’m doing it from home. Um, and I’m one of those people that I just Learned way better in a classroom. So I’m like.”
“What Do I Have to Look Forward To” When the Day Ends?
As she talks through the change, Kowlaski repeatedly contrasts her reality with what she says her friends are experiencing: returning to campus, moving forward, living normally. She describes being alone at home and staring down a daily routine with no obvious relief at the end.
“And it’s like, what do I have to look forward to at the end of my school day? Because, like, all my friends are, like, back at college, I’m here by myself. Like, what am I supposed to do? Like, just do school all day and, like, sit in bed and then, like, go and, like, read comments about myself that are nasty and, like, read DMs telling me to, like,”
Why Is Maddie Kowalski Getting Harassed and Body Shamed?
Kowalski describes how quickly online cruelty bleeds into her self-image, detailing a recent moment where she says she saw a photo of herself being mocked and felt pushed into panic about her appearance.
“I, like, two days ago, like, look at a picture of me that was posted where everyone is dragging me and calling me ugly, and then, like, start crying and, like, emergency try to, like, book a Botox appointment to fix my face because I feel so ugly. Like, is that what my life is now? Like, I don’t, like, understand, you know, it’s just like,”
What’s Maddie’s New Goal?
Even as she says she wants her platform to mean something more than a crisis diary, Kowalski is explicit that the pain is not abstract or neatly resolved. She describes trying to hold onto hope while feeling stuck.
“and like, obviously, the whole point of my platform. Like, I want people to see, um, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And, like, if something like this happens, like, you will feel happy again. Um, cause I didn’t think I ever would. Um, but at the same time, like. Like, this actually sucks, dude. Like, I. I know I seem like I’m just complaining, but it’s like, when all of my friends are going back to college and having fun and going on with their lives and, like, you know, living, and I’m just, like, stuck at home, like, and I genuinely don’t feel motivated to do, like, basically anything. So, like, where am I supposed to find the motivation to, like, actually lock in and, like, do school? Cause it’s like, what. What am I doing it for? Like, what? What’s the point? You guys tell me every day, like, no job is ever gonna hire you, blah, blah, blah, whatever. So it’s like.”
How Has Maddie Kowalski Handled Everything?
Kowalski says she has struggled to keep up with filming and posting, claiming she has relied on drafts because she cannot get out of bed. She also describes the repetitive nature of the comments that follow her regardless of what she uploads.
“And I know everyone’s like, oh, stop complaining. You’re fine. I’ve literally been posting drafts for the past, like, few days because, like, if you can’t tell, because I don’t have roots. Like, I’ve been posting drafts because I literally can’t get out of bed to film a TikTok video because I’m depressed. Like, no matter what I post, like, people are gonna be commenting, like, memes and, like, the one where the guys. Like, that one over and over and over and over and over again, over and over again. Or the one with the baby, like, whatever that one is, like, over and over again. I just can’t, like, I can’t do it, guys. Like, please, dear god, stop.”
Is Maddie Getting Bullied?
In the same breath as she tries to move through her routine, Kowlaski returns to what she says has become relentless scrutiny of her looks. She describes feeling exhausted, insecure, and overwhelmed by how widely shared images of her have been used to mock her body and face.
“Um, everyone’s bullying me about my lashes. So we’re gonna do mascara, I guess. Yeah. Actually, every single person that, like, said horrible things about the way I look. Like, I’m so freaking over it. Like, somebody, like, took a picture of me with me, posted it, you guys screenshot it off TikTok, put it on Twitter, and, like, start just spamming, like, those horrific things about my body and my face and this and that. Like, it’s calling me ugly and, like, the most horrible ways you could call somebody ugly. Like, I can’t do it. Like, I am so insecure. I literally hate myself. I hate the way I look. Like, that’s not a new thing, but, like, you guys, like, are really, really, really, really, really messing with me. I look dumb without lashes. I look stupid. Is this how I actually? Guys, there’s no way you’re telling me this looks better than when I have lashes on. Um, anyway, sorry for complaining. I’m just having a bad day. Love you. Bye.”
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Do you think Maddie Kowalski will ever step foot on a college campus again?
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